We are in the drawing room with the Great Detective. Everyone is
assembled. All the family, the household staff, the weekend guests,
anyone who has been near this place since we found the body of poor old
Aunt Charlotte last Friday evening. It is time, it seems, for the
grand finale. This is the moment where he lines everyone up and
unravels the mystery for us. This is the part where he explains exactly
what has been going on, displays at great length every facet of his
genius before eventually, finally pointing a finger at the murderer.
I don’t know about anyone else, but I very nearly didn’t come. It’s a
Sunday evening, after all. I should be out on the golf course, or
relaxing somewhere with a cigar and a brandy, not sweating away in here
with the rest of the family. Still, this detective fellow is a
difficult man to say no to sometimes. He has an oddly persuasive manner
about him. You find yourself agreeing to the oddest things.
Besides, it is rather in our interest to be here. We are suspects
after all and we know it. We’ve all had to put up with a questioning
and cross-examination from the man himself, as well as the usual clumsy
prodding from the local constabulary. Nobody, it is fair to say, has
enjoyed the process. All sorts of skeletons emerging from closets, you
understand. You can’t imagine the feathers he’s been bristling this past
few days. It really has been marvelously enlightening!
God only knows how he gets away with it. You'd have thought there'd
be rules against this sort of thing. Other people have to play it by the
book, to follow procedure and whatnot, but none of that seems to apply
to him. Genius makes its own rules, I suppose. And he does have this
habit of always, inevitably solving the crime. There is no puzzle, they
say, that the great man cannot unlock, no code he cannot break. If there
are jewels to be found, he will find them. If there is a plot to be
stopped, he will stop it. Reading his press he comes across like some
sort of all-seeing superman with a monocle and a waistcoat. The
flawless bloodhound who always, always gets his man.
All of which is a little bit worrying for me at this stage, to be
honest. You see (and I do hate to spoil the surprise for you) I am the
murderer. It was me. I did it. So you can imagine how exceedingly
disconcerting it is to have to sit here and watch him explain, in great
detail and with no little flair, exactly how I managed to pull the thing
off. Very worrying indeed.
So far, he has everything pretty much spot on. The motive - Aunt
Charlotte's money, of course, and the threat of a horrid new codicil in
that valuable old will of hers. The method - arsenic in the hot
chocolate (I am so fond of the classics). The misdirection - putting the
poison into Charlotte's secret brandy stash too, so as to make it look
as though the murder might have taken place much earlier than it
actually did. I have to say I'm very impressed. Even in my precarious
situation I can't help but admire the skill with which he's picked it
all apart. He's even unravelled that little double bluff I set up -
planting the arsenic bottle in my own luggage but cunningly making it
look as though young Emma - the waiflike maidservant who has a thing for
Cousin Stewart - must have put it there.
I fear there's no denying it. He's seen right through everything and
it's only a matter of time before I hear the snap of handcuffs around my
wrists. I should be upset, but to be honest I'm enjoying the show too
much. More than that, I’m actually eager to hear see exactly how he's
going to pin me down. No doubt there was some shoddy mistake I made
along the way, that's the way these things normally pan out. I'm sure
that whatever happens I'll completely deserve everything that comes my
way. I'm not asking for any sympathy. I am guilty after all, there's no
question about that.
So I'm sitting back in my chair, quite resigned to my fate when he
comes to summing things up and prepares to unveil the culprit. I'm not
even listening properly anymore. It’s so obvious what's coming next that
I've already begun to mentally prepare my confession and
congratulations to the sleuth. Something suitably witty and
self-deprecating I'm thinking. Something sharp with a little bit of
style. If one has to go to the gallows, one might as well be cheerful
about it, don’t you think?
You can imagine my surprise then, when his voice rises to a
crescendo, a peak of flamboyant outrage and, standing right in front of
me, he spins and stretches out a finger and declares the murder to be
none other than...Great Uncle Philip? Really? That decrepit old codger
in the wheelchair? Can he be serious?
At first I can't believe it. It doesn't seem possible he's made such
an obvious blunder. I'm waiting for him to crack a joke and turn his
glare my way, but he never does. Instead, to Uncle Philip’s horrified
indignation, he runs through all the evidence that proves indisputably
that he is the only one of us who could possibly have committed the
crime. I'm glad to say that it does all sound very convincing. So much
so that I begin to wonder whether I'm not the only murderer in the room.
Maybe we both did it? Who knows? Either way it seems like I've pulled
it off. I’ve managed to luck my way past the Great Detective and all
his lackeys.
I sit back in my chair and try to force my heart to stop beating so
fast. Everyone else in the room looks sick and drained, as if they're
being dragged through an emotional wringer. For the first time this
weekend I almost feel sorry for them. Cousin Stewart is on his feet and
shaking his fist, arguing bitterly with the detective and his sidekicks.
The maids are all weeping uncontrollably. Over in the corner Aunt
Sophie is turning a very unhealthy looking pale yellow sort of a colour.
Poor Aunt Sophie, with her bad legs and weak heart. This weekend's
affair can't have done her any good at all. She probably doesn't have
long left, really. Much more of this and she'll probably tip right over
the edge, no doubt. She lurches forward in her chair and daps at her
mouth with a handkerchief. She's looking right over to me, her eyes
pleading for some help or some comfort. I get to my feet and take her
over a glass of water. As her frail old hand takes it from me and she
nods her thanks, a thought occurs crosses my mind. Just how, I wonder,
are the contents of her will arranged?
End